For most of my life I've struggled to be who I am, I've been who everybody else wanted me to be except who I wanted to be. Where I come from it's a very conservative kind of society, so it is really difficult to stand out. You have to conform, to be like everybody, walk like everybody, talk like everybody, even if you don't want to or want to do it differently , just try.Because you certainly don't want to be caught up being different in that kind of society. Oh no! Man, you'll be in trouble.
This where hypocrisy comes in , everyone tries their best to please each and everyone, not hurt nobody's feelings because if you don't listen to people's advice you are hurting their feelings and they will hold it against you for the rest of their lives and they will not miss any opportunity to remind you that you did not listen . Don't even mention that you too have feelings too. No just stay in line.
If you look at the way I describe it you may think I am exaggerating, but it is the truth, people who know my country know i'm right.
Unfortunately for me as far as I can remember I always loved to do things differently, and I hate hypocrisy with all my heart. People who know me know I can't do something just because somebody told me too , if you don't tell me why I most likely will not do it. I am hard headed at times lol. My father has always told us that honesty and integrity are the way to go. So in my head that is what everybody was taught at home. Can you imagine what it was like growing up in that kind of society for someone like me? Jesus! I tried my best to fit in but as the saying goes "a leopard can't change its spots". It was so frustrating.
What frustrated me the most was the fact that society teaches that expressing your emotions/feelings is a bad thing, that you have to be satisfied with what you have, the situation you are in. Don't ask for more, what you have is enough. Like you are not supposed to have your own feelings, if you say the way you feel or express emotions either somebody is going to laugh at you or make you think that it is wrong so you may feel guilty and let it go.
I've seen abused wives who can't say a word because people would tell them (niko zubakwa) which means suck it up! That's life, you are not the first nor the last, let that man beat you up, mistreat you until you die or until he has had enough of it. I can't understand how that is possible, maybe because I was favored enough to grow up in a peaceful household. But you know even if you don't want it it your environment affects you somehow.
Hypocrisy has never been my thing. I just can't, i tried , it never worked. But i can smell the hypocrisy from miles away. You can't fool me. lol. I did succeed for a quite long time at repressing my emotions.I avoided to talk about what I felt, what I think I wanted for my life and I just did what people told me or according to their advices. I said to myself , they know best, if they say I should do that, let's go for it, I can't allow myself to be different, what is going to happen if I do so? i may loose all those people because their feelings may be hurt. I'm not saying that taking advices is wrong.What is wrong is taking advices from everybody just to please them. In the midst of all that I was so frustrated, I felt like i was living another persons life.
I've always admired people with strong personality, confident, that can stand for themselves and others. I always wanted to be that kind of person, but i never could So i decided to pray about it , I was so uncomfortable in that situation. I said:" God, i know you have a good plan for me, I know I'm not called to be somebody else, or live, somebody else's life, I want my own, the one you designed for me. I want it all, not only, the small things, I want the great things, I want my name to be remembered when I die, I want to leave a legacy. and mostly I want to be free from people's opinion and be myself freely, i don't want it to be a burden anymore"
Oh, how I love the Lord, He answers prayers, little by little he brakes every chain. The Holy spirit reminded me of the scripture that says :"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.".(Galatians 5:!).
Christ never said that we all should be the same,that is us putting ourselves into slavery and letting others rule over our lives, we refuse to take risks , to go to the other side, because of fear, because of what people "may" say. So i began to allow myself to get back my life piece by piece.
Today I'm happy to say that i am free from people's bondage. What a feeling, i wish you all to experience it. It feels great! I don't mind what people think because anyway i can't do nothing about it and i know i can't please everyone, so no stress on my side!!
Although i don't have it all together now, i know i am getting there, it's a process, great things are ahead of me and i am looking forward to it. I will not ask for permission to be myself, Jesus has already given me all the permissions i need. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13).
Let's just Give to God the control of our lifes not Men, He is the designer and only a designer knows best what works for the product he designed. Relax and let Him give you the FREEDOM TO BE.
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